just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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