Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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