The maid of honor just puked.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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