Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
