I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
