if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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