Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
