his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
