Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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