so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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