he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
