My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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