I just saw a hot homeless man
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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