What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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