Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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