I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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