I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
