I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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