he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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