i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
