I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You made out with two different species that night
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
