Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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