textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
