so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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