i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
