the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You ate ashes out of my bong
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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