maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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