i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
is wine microwaveable?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
