forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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