I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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