i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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