Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
