I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
