Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
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I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
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we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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