and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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