She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
