new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Randomize
