There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
