sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
