I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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