we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
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