I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
