Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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