So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
4 words: hood of his car
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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