I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
