GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
