Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
