I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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