I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
