So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
