i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
