I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
