well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
