His pubic hair was longer than his dick
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
