I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
