He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just invented taco cereal.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Someone signed my nipple.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
